Posted by leslie in tx on 20:32 Aug 10
In Reply to: I'm so discouraged about how my relationship with my oldest son is developing. I'd love some encouragement and words of wisdom from those who have gone before me...(m) posted by Colleen
And in this state of being overwhelmed, it is asking too much to also respond well to us. That's the bottom line for me.
My 16yo went through a period like this. I often tell people his 10-12yo years were the toughest. I made them tougher by demanding appropriate behavior. He was, I think now, just struggling to keep his head above water. When I piled more on, he felt even more pressure, and responded even more angrily. I think the anger comes out of a state of bewilderment.
They are experiencing hormonal changes. They are experiencing physical and emotional changes. They are in a state of upheaval. Additionally, their worlds are going from small and easily defined to larger, more complex, full of more questions and more uncertainty. They are beginning to question things and see that things are not all nice and neat. This is disconcerting. In the midst of trying to sort out who they are, what they are becoming, what the world is, what life means, hwo they fit in it, and all these huge questions, they are also being asked by us to respond in certain ways OR ELSE. SOmehow, that doesn't really reach them!
I talked to a mom in the store the other day. She was talking about how difficult her son had become. She described how she was telling him that she sympathized, blah, blah, blah, but how he needed to handle it "X. Y. Z." And yes, her method made sense; it was good, respectful, fair. It was the usual "tell me the problem nicely, use a calm voice," etc. It would work well for sensitive, in-touch-with-themselves people - generally, mature females! But mature and female these guys are NOT. Heck, most of the time, they can't tell you what's wrong! It's just that life is a bit bewildering and uncertain right now! And that doesn't feel good or reassuring.
Of course, these feelings can come and go; sometimes they have figured some of it out, and respond well. Sometimes they retreat to their younger selves and are easily managed. But about half the time, by my observations, they are wrestling with the angel all night and the outcome is uncertain!
Now, my son is 16. I am STILL frustrated at times by his insensitivity to me, anger flare ups, etc. But we (his dad and I) just had a serious heart to heart with him, and I SAW very clearly that his anger and resistance was due to feeling bad about himself. I started thinking back. I realized that all the recent displays of anger were tied to either guilt over his actions/words, insecurity, uncertainty, poor self-confidence . . . I would not have guessed that. I'm female, so when I feel bad, I generally cry! But it suddenly made sense.
I have a 9yo son. I can expect to go through all this again. And here's what I've learned, and what I've decided I'm going to do when he has these struggles:
Treat it as a storm. Head for cover, wait it out, and when the storm passes and the weather calms down, THEN go looking to pick up the pieces, teach, train, and talk.
It ain't gonna happen when they are in the midst of it! It really is like trying to yell over the wind and the rain; it's like trying to teach hanging the clothes nicely and neatly on the line. Yes, they OUGHT to be hung that way, yes, it's a good thing to do, but trust me, it isn't going to happen in the midst of a rain storm!
Right message, wrong time.
Also:
It's NOT possible to reason with them right then. Why? Because that's NOT what's really bothering them. Again, they are wrestling with things; the homework or the chore or whatever is just where they physically are at the moment. Their heart and mind is engaged elsewhere, and when they feel they are losing the battle, they lash out. You are just handy.
All this is to say, I now have almost a visceral reaction to a "this is what you should do, parent" advice, and to the right "response" we should require of them. I fear, for these boys, it is too often just asking them to straighten the chairs on the Titanic, and they sense it. Oh, we can force them to do it, and they will angrily comply with our "silly" requests, but they have a secret, intense longing to be helped with their struggles, and will only resent that our only interest is in making sure everything (ie., their words and behavior) is all "nice and neat." They still see their ship headed for the iceberg.
I don't mean to paint a gloomy picture - far from it! I just think too much advice is devoted to window dressing when what these guys need are risks to take, challenges to meet, ways to win, a chance to make mistakes and know we will still be there for them, and FAIR rules and consequences that they know will be administered but that they will not be pressured to salute when they are in the thick of mental/moral/emotional/spiritual wrestling match.
I offer this in all deference to how difficult it is, not in glibness. I am still in the thick of it, but it is worth it.
HTH,
Leslie