Posted by JaneAustenFan on 0:30 Dec 29
You asked about bad parents (..I think!)
I just wanted you to know that I can relate, albeit through different circumstances. My parents weren't lacking in affection, and I'm extremely defensive of them (in other words, don't call them bad, I add with a smile!), but they have both had some pretty human problems that made growing up with them challenging.
Sheesh, I'm trying to give you encouragement without revealing too much personal information and I just end up sounding like a dork! I'll say this: my mother has agoraphobia, which (used to?) cause panic attacks, which she used to "treat" with alcohol. But for most of my teenage years, we had NO idea what was going on with her. She just kept retreating into her bedroom and locking the door. When she came out, she'd be ssssooo icy-cold mean. There were literally like 5 happy moments with her in the 1990s. It's difficult to explain, but maybe you kinda know what I mean. Your mother may not have had certifiable mental issues, but if you were treated coldly by her, then I think maybe you do.
Anyway, my dad was frustrated, to say the least, and so he'd drink too much, too. In fact, to this day I have a "fear" of driving my car in reverse down long curvy driveways because I used to have to drive him and my mom home after nights of binge drinking with their friends, starting when I was maybe 10. (And their friends had this long, curvy driveway, and I'd be getting screamed at and laughed at for doing the job badly.) There were nights that my dad would get sick in the car on the way home. Eww... There were other nights that we never even went home, just stayed there overnight till my parents came to in the morning, and there'd be no food in the house for the kids, just beer. Once my brother and I got so hungry, sometime after midnight, that we actually ate a raw potato. Ewww... And one other time, my beloved kitty cat (best friend, sadly!) started eating my dad's pork chops so he shot and killed it.
But I digress...all that stuff was, of course, before my mom's mental illness....because after that came around, she couldn't go to people's houses or have anyone over to our's. It was AS IF she didn't love me, because she was just so, well....troubled. I SO desparately (sp?) wanted to have a mom that I could talk to about my boyfriends, go shopping with, be proud of my grades, anything. But it just wasn't happening. Now, I understand why, but back then, it was very painful.
So I'm trying to say that I understand how devastating it can be to have a bad relationship with your mom. (Not that we have a bad relationship now, she's actually better but still VERY "touchy".)
I'm sure that you're a GREAT mom, and I hope that sooner or later, you'll be able to let go of anything from the past. Easier said than done, but I'll pray for you....
WOW, this is the most I've ever revealed online. I hope I don't sound too whiny.... Good thing computers make my mom freak out! (You know, cause then she might read this and get "upset.")
Best wishes,
--JAF